Eden Linnea G's Journal|
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|Friday, April 18th, 2003|
Ok, so I got a little grass, it was't that god but it's something at lest, i think. No wrod From Anthony I hopehe's still alive. Ilove him so much, what am i supposed to do, it's so frustrting. I love him somuch,how am I supposed to geel? Anyway I'm out of it,let mego find some stony music. Current Mood: high
|Thursday, April 17th, 2003|
Ok, so I still miss Anthony and wodner as he won't talk to me, it's been almost a week of pure torture. I coldn't ear it anymore. If you reading this, know Ineed tohear your voice. ijust got accused of smoking marijuanain here which I did but it pisses methat people an be nosy. I guess I'm going to bed fore I get yelled at some aned can't pass out. Love you guys. Eden Current Mood: high
|Tuesday, April 15th, 2003|
I'll tel ou what, people need to get their shit together. I mean one pharmacist tells me I canhave my Xanax at 27 days, I call to get them, the oe on duty tells me I gotta wait 29! What theee fuck? I had like sleeping disease Saturday and Sunday but Monday and Tuesday I haven't slept except for these weird lucid dreaming type stuff of othr people's weirdas trips. I especially wonder if a couple of people I know, Drew and Anthony, are ok. Anthony I think is just avoiding me, but the last time I talked to Drew, I thik he was really disturbed by the events that took place. I can't blame him, though, maybe he'll quit now. I know he wants to real bad, but I don't think he has the strength on his own. I'm ot sure any of us addicted people do. God, I want my Xanax but I coldn't pay for them even if I cold get the script refilled. My mom keeps saing she'll pay for them but I have to give control of them toher, and she won't give them tom me like they are prescribed. What the hell is up with that shit? I guess I'llhave to sell some to buy them which pisses me off. I hope I sleep tonight, but I wish someone would call to just say hi or something. It gets lonely here. Current Mood: anxious
This sucks, I wanna sleep but I can't. I heed my fucking Xanax at the least, other things would be nice. There's noting to watch on Tv, or at least nothing I want to watch. I hope something wakes me up early cuase I have to call the pharmacy and cal in my refill and then I have to come up with the cash although it probably means giving up 30 pills, way too fucking many I meanhe'll give me $90 but that's barely even gonna start to pay for what I need and he won't settle for less. Goddamn drug addicts,I know what am I caling the kettle black or something? I mean I could let my mo control it, but the I'd get one pill a day total, I'm supposed to take 3, hello do the fucking math, baaaiiiich! I mean I know she doesn't want me to abscond with them to Drew's, but I'm not gonna do that anyway, it's not worth what I'd get in trade,not worth that one littlehigh, not again this time but now I'm gonna have to sell them anyhow or at least some to get them, if I don't want her controlling them, so what difference, I duno. I was hoping I'd get some help but not so sure, gonna try to sleep or listen to music,off for now. Current Mood: awake
Ok so now I'm freaked out, I can get my bars tomorrow, but I'm lacking like the $40 I need for them plus money for the other meds. Thisis such a bitch I didn't want to sell any this month if I do that, then I'm really fucked because if I start doing that to buy the script then I'll be like well I cold sell a few more and get somemore shit, I don't want to do that. I guess it'sjust funny when I'm looking forheroinit seems I can scrounge upmoney if I'm desperate enough and now I just want my pills and I can't fucking do it! I didn't get any sleep-aid toight whatsoever, so I know I'm up for the night. My grandmother and I got in a fight because I can't keep my mouth shut, I toldher I thought drugs should be legal because she said everone spent alltheir money on them, I said there wouldn't be as much vilence or mone problem if it were legal and more controllable and that way punks weren't out there selling sit that was more likley to kil you tha get you high and I said I thought there should be more education. You can believe my grandmother fucking freeeaked, she told me to shut up and my friends and I were gonna end up in jail, I still think it's funny, sheis completely mystified as to who Flip is, like I made some new friend or something, she thinks he's my black drug dealer, when did he ever sound black? He just sounds obnoxious and annoyed on the phone, mostly. I watched some depressing documentary on people shooting up crank, I've never done that and after that one, I don't think I wanna. I think I have enough addictions, but the last thing this girl said isonce you start shooting up anyting, you never completely stop. Jeez, that sounds so hopeless. Andit's not even that I wanna say I'll never do it again, I just want to have more control. But I know too that it wasn't reealisitc, so I have to replace it with soemthing else or just accept my life as a junkie. Ugggh, I can't think, I'm too schizo right now. Current Mood: distressed
|Monday, April 14th, 2003|
Everything is so indescrable, if I could have said the right mood, I would have said alone. There is no one I can call right now and say I am scared. There is no one I can say to I am going to take all this goddamened shit and just end it and they'll come running, oh yeah my family'd come running just to take over my life or what's left of it. You see, I guess I don't really want to end it, I just want to end the pain and loneliness, and with no love, no drugs, how the fuck am I supposed to do that? I'd settle for one or the other although I'd prefer both, but neither seems likely right now. I want to be acepted for who I am, heroin junkie or not. I wish Drew had just let me die but I guess who wants a dead person in their car, othrwsie he probably wouldn't have given a flying fuck either. How the fuck amI supposed to fel, abandoned and lonely. I want to get out of here, away from this pressure, from the loss of everyting, I want to be high, I want to be loved, I want to be taken care of and take care of somebody, those are all more important than being high but I gues I'm dreaming if I think anyone could ever love me enough to stick around. All I have to do is some little wrong thing and poof anyone is scared and gone. Ok, so I'm a depressed, anxious, schizotable borderline personality with an addiction problem, does this mean I'm not worth loving? I guess so, I guess I can't be me anymore if I want to be accepted but I don't really care what most people think, I'd just lie one or two who cld jsut care for me for what I am, for who I am. Not possible, so where does this leave me, in an empty shell that was me, where I still live but I try not to scream, scream in pain, in terror and I guess it says to everyone run run while you can before you get sucked in to this hell that is no Eden you'd want to be in, I'mno paradise, I'm just a junkie who still has feelings, and everyone forgets I still have those. Just because I shooot cocaine andheroin in to my veins doesn't mean I don't still love, doesn't mean I don't still need/want human compainonship or alifetime partner. I would even try to change those tings about myself to have that, but people are too afraid to say when I scare them, they write cold, distant emails and don't talk to me. This is love, what the fuck is hate or are people just too embarrassed when they realize I'm jst too intense just liike I warned them? Will the one person left whos ays they give a flying fuck walk away, probably? I don't blame anybody, I'm the most worthless junkie there is, Ijust happen to be one who still has feelings and a brain and love to give and that just makes this desperation all the more palpable. Thoseof ou read tis, I'm sorry for my morbidity. Current Mood: scared
I want all of you to kow you mean a lot, that you've all been important to me. Tuesday I ca get this hell over with, if certain people are telling the truth, I've flirted with death already so what have I to be afraid of? It has to be better than the darkness here, the lonely hole that is my life. There are a few kind voices, tank ou Adrian for your cointinued endurance of feelings, I guess you have morehonesty than others I might know. I don't want anyone who isn't responsible to think they could do anyting, I know I cannot live here, here in this house, here without love,here without even dope, what does life mean anyhow? What am I here for, just as an amusement to anyone it pleases, until you can throw me away? That's what my life has come to and I can't bear it, hardly ever sleeping, nightmarish dreams, lonely hell here. You think people care about you and they throw you away because they don't like something about you that you already warned them about, how is this fair, how the fuck is this right? Or they can't come to yo because they are too young to do as they want even if the want to be your friend, to save you. What the fuck is worth saving here, a fucking lloser junkie who pukes at the most embarrassing moments, who can't help it that someone shot her up with too much and almost killed her. I wasn't even trying to die then damn it, watch when I actualy try by downing a whole bottle of pills, it won't work, that'd be just my luck. The darkness inthis life can't be worse than any hell death could give me. I love all you guys, though and I mean that, and ou you've especially been there, Ade, and I needed that, still do, not your fault you aren'there and aI can't come away from here, not your fault you coldn't edo more. Current Mood: melancholy
|Sunday, April 13th, 2003|
Ok, so how can you have a song called Enjoy The Silence, it isn't very silent. But, that's really nothing to do with what's going on right now. Some lovely person wrote a comment to me about which they prefer, love or drugs, and after this week, I guess I'd have to agree with the assessment of drugs because you usually know they aren't gonna let you down, although I guess I apparently had some that almost left me dead, although I guess I wish peopleinvolved would have just left it that way if this is what my life is. I am so suciidal, I feel I have no friends, my life is a joke. The boy I thoguht loved me, I guess he only loved the god things, I guesshe couldn't handle it when I was puking or when I really did want the heroin because it's sitting right thre and I'm not supposed to want it, what the fuck. He comes up, we end up asking Drew to help us get heroin and cocaine, he agrees to $50 and 5 Xanax, but I knew damend well he'd leech like glue even after that. Anyway, so we get the heroin and he says it's strong, I honestly don't rember the rest of the day. I apparently approached the pearly gates as it were or maybe it was the pit of doom, or just the darkness of bliss that it felt like to me, if that's death then there isn't much to be afraid of, I'll say this much, life is a lot more scary. Anyway they revive me, Drew apparently gives me outh to mouth right in crackville and then we get cocaine and they shoot me up with that. They watched movies I crawled in bed, I hsot up, I threw up, Anthony woldhardly let mehave anyting even when the worst was over, he didn't do any he was saving it, I hope he liked it. He gave me 4 shots to bring home, he said he couldn't take mehome home with him, he didn't want to be finding me dead. Excuse me but it wasn't him or me who made those shots, go yell at fucking Drew for that one! Anyway so I wanted one inthe middleof the night, he didn't want to but Ihad a throbbingheadahed and I coldn't stop throwing up, he rlented, it worked a little, I went to sleep. Net day I just went home with 4 shots loaded,I'm not sure of the wiseness of this idea, but I did it, so that's what it is, anyway I did two that day I must have told someone what I did or had or something, they ratted me but my bitch mother said she's gonna search me before she comes over. She took al my Xanax and some codeine, and other psych shit I had, what a bitch. Ihate lving here, I hate that Anthony didn't love me enough to help me. He says e thinks ihould go in to the hospital for a while i'm like what the fuck and he isn't one to talk, anywa I'm just hurt he won't takt o me now, I"m so scared. I need soemone who can understand me, but I guess that's not possible. Anyway, I'm looking for anew place to live, trying to figure out how I'm going to fill my Xana when I'm $15 short, and I dunno, anyway I won't wait so long next time. Current Mood: distressed
|Tuesday, April 8th, 2003|
Why me? Why the fuck me? Someone help me to calm. We had an almost 3 1/2 hour conversation about how he wasn't good enough for me, about how he would hurt me and how he ruins everyone's lives. He said I could do better, that i deserved better. What the fuck, how can sojeone say this, you love someone, yougive them all, the say they love you but they want to act like it can't be. He's scared, so scared of being the cause of someone's pain willing to risk losing love, saying to me something better will come along next week. How can he, what does he think love like that is replacable. Maybe I acted like it was before, but it's not no fucking way is it, his love, being with you it's all I want. i mean for God's sake I am willing to give up on enjoying a daily heroin habit not been daily lately but it could have easily been that. I tell him I'd rather have him thanheroin, he says i am quitting for the wrong reasons, hell when is love a wrong reason for anything god that happens inone's life? At any rate, it's not like i'm totally abandoning the opiates just the idea ofhaving a daily unsupportable habit. He doesn't understand a place to live, food, computer, him, ti's all enough, well some benzos, mild opiates and antidepresants or sleepaids would be welcome, but wht the fuck, he's more important to me than all of it. I need what we have, does this make me weak? Maybe it does but what addict isn't weak to something, is it better the damned opiates or the cocaine or love? Would someone tell mehow any of this makes sense? He's saying now he will come, I dunno ifhe said it just I'd let him sleep but he said he'd come, we'd make it that I was wirght it wasn't logical, but I don't know what to think. He even offered to send me money when he wasn't gonna come so I could go to doctor get more meds or just fucking plain out high. When have you kown a junkie to turn down money, rather be with the damned person who was gonna send it? Hehe, Ihopehe doesn't make me regret that one. Anyways, I'm off, they'll bitch if I'm on the net too long. Current Mood: scared
|Monday, April 7th, 2003|
I am still happy as a lark,listening to one of my fave songs, this makes me thik of you, Anthony sweetie, ou know, you're one of the few people I know who knows this song. I've beenlistening to music all day doing a lot of singing I haven't sang much in the past few days now you can't shut me up, haha, unfortuante for anyone whohappens to be around, lol. They canjust kiss my ass, I know language language. Haha, Phinny, you're shorooms if you were a drug, well that one I would'thave guessed, hee. Anyway I can't wait to be with my sweetie, can't wait tohear your voice, losing my mind in this fucked-up place so bad. Only other interesting thing today besides conversation with mother which I will shortly relate is that a fucking bill collector from like a bill 2 1/2 years ago got my number here and kept spouting this info about me and going are you Eden and I like said no she's in the mental hospital, all you mofos drove her crazy! Anyway to conversation with mother.
Mom: Jeez, you sound happy today? Tis is unusual?
Eden: Yeah I am in a good mood.
Mom: that bill collector call it didn't bother you.
Eden: Not much can bother me right now, I thought you wanted me to be ina good mood.
Mom: What are you on? Who was over there? Did someone send you drugs?
Eden: No, you know I haven't had any drugs. How can I whe I'm watched so constantly?
Mom: Oh, that's awful! (crying) You're never gonna be anyting but a dope fiend, are you?
Eden: Well, I am a lot of other things. (to herself) Of course, I'm always gonna be a dope fiend, too.
Mom: Ok, well, ou're happy for some reason?
Eden: Yeah, you'll never guess who I heard from....
Mom: Ohmigod, what scred-up friendof yours have you been talking to? Please,not Drew, not Pearce?
Eden: Wel, no, I don't wanna talk to those assholes. Anthony called.
Mom: Oh no! I don't like the sound of this. Where has your dope fiend friend been?
Eden: He's not a dope fiend.
Mom: Well he sent you drugs,he does know he can't send you any more drugs through the mail.
Eden: He wasn't planning on it. (eden relates story of events)
Mom: Oh, so you weren't the problem,he's j ust crazy.
Eden: MOm, people with a mental illness aren't crazy, and he was kind of set up, but I don't wanna talk anymore, you're ruing my mood.
Mom: Are you leaving now? Does he still want you? (desperate fear in her voice)
Eden: Yeah, he does, but I don't know when. (big lie)
Mom: (bitterly) Well, I'm glad you're happy you're always happy when you're screwing up. Bye.
End of conversation
Waht a fucking bitch I am in love and happy and she tries to ruin everyting, but she can't. I'm outa here, peeps. Current Mood: chipper
I still can't believe tings are what they are. Am I going to wake up and he's disappeared again. Maybe thisis why I can't sleep I dunno. I am happy afraid so many tings. I guess I thought I could try to replace what I have with him but was impossible really when Iheard his voice it was like the glas cage I'd buiot to protect myself just shattered around me, leaving fragments of a security that was barely there and leaving me vulnerable to be hurt. I pray to whatever higher being might be there or at least I beg of natureitself of love itself of everyting for this to be true. If it is not, then the death I so recently sought would seem like such an option. I do not want to feel that way every again, like nothing matters, or that I can replace something so true, not to say that others are bad, but I tried so hard to pretend what my imzadi had done or what I thought h e had done didn't matter when it mattered more than I could ever let be known. Fear grips me but love holds me, too, I feel its warmth and I feel safe even if caution tries to intercede and tell me not to trust. I can not listen for my heart is full of what is there, of the deepest trust, it was what I had thought I just didn't know how to prove it and I guess I was brainwashed. Eden, who swears no one can fuck with her head. I guess when all you hear is ow muc of a piece of trash you are,how no one oculd ever want you, you start to believe maybe somoene would run out. They said noone would want someone who still had bad teeth, who was still scarred up from track marks, who had mental disorders, who was a dope addict. But then she says to me, why would you want to be with a dope addict? What the fuck, and when I say I am one too and try to explain toher that even though my body has been clean for over two weeks, that doesn't mean I won't always be an addict, doesn't mean I don't wantit now. Sometimes you can onoly be with someone like yourself in matters like that I'mnot sure of anthing like that, but I am sure I love him, I am sure he loves me no matter what anyone else might say. I hope they don't start a lot of shit, try to baker-act me or do the drug and alcohol abuse act on me. I mean I know i wouldn't be in there long, I'd get the fuck out np, but still that would be a mess I don't need. Soon I will be with my love, the forces willing, and no more intervention. I know I will let noting stand in my way, the rest is up to you, imzadi. Now I will sign off, go find something to do, I wish I could sleep but I am too excited, frenzied,happy, scared, preoccupied, jeeeez, Ineed a xanax and some opiates and Ineed my sweetie like right the fuck now. My language sucks, haha.
|feeling joy, my imzadi is back!
Ok, quirko my friend you know who and what imzadi is to me but maybe some of you don't. In between times when I was writng I met and fel in love with someone very special who Ihad a lot in common with. I was supposed to leave with him two weeks ago and ineverheard from him and I though he'd abandoned me, so stupid because people don't send you money, call you their imzadi for nothing, they have to really love you. I was crushed and wanted to gon with my life, wanted to able to feel for someone else but even though I cared about other people, the love I feel for my dear Anthony is beyond anything I could have ever imagined, I know this because when he messaged me toight, my heart skipped, felt like it was shattering with joy, with fear. Let's just say somoene bakeracted him so that those of you who would wonder won't just think I am believeing what he's saying and that he'sjust fucking with me, his exgirlfriend thought he was coming to get me so we could kill ourselves together and the police searched his house and his phone was disconnected. All nuts! I couldn't be happier though, he saysh e'l come get me Thursday I pray that this is not to make another fool of me, I could not bear ifhe did not come, this would be more than I could bear. I have been so close to wanting to die, trying to put on a brave front even in my ournal. I love him, I love him, I can't help it. He is more than I could have ever wanted, even if he thikshe isn't worth anyting. I was so happy and I went in to the kitchen because my grandmothr came in my room without knocking andit pissed me off. I was sohappy and Ihad to tell her, she's now threatening me if I chose to leave. What a fucking bitch. One minute I can leave if I want, the next I am not alowed to, what the fuck. I fucking hate them. They suck soooo bad. Motherfuckers, otherfuckers! I love Anthony with all my heart even if he doesn't believe it, I can't blamehim after reading what I wrote. I didn't know what to do after I felt so abandoned. My heart is beating with joy and no longer in sorrow. How lucky I feel that I am still alive to enjoy this beautiful feeling. I love all of you my friends and I'm so glad I didn't lose my soulmate. I shouldhave listened to my gut that he hadn't just abandoned me but I've been wrong so much lately that I couldn't trust myself. I should have in something this important I'm usually right. I' signing off now with glee in my heart and love brimming everywhere. I' all yours, imzadi.
|Sunday, April 6th, 2003|
Ok, I guess I'm on the drugs quizes thingie, I did another what drug am I? I guess I'm definitely heroin this one said I'm dark and broodingslow and buzzing, with a stigma attached to my name and attracting only people like myself. I'm not sure about this as I do seem tohave some friends who aren't of this nature, jeez I must be booored!
Ok, now it says I'm gonna get addicted to cocaine when I do what drug I'm likely to get addicted. However, when I take the test about what drug am I, it says I'm heroin. It says I'm addictive and dangerous but on the bright side cigarettes are more addictive. Hmm, I dunno people some of these quizes are weeeeeird! I guess it said I was heroin because all my friends are all I hang out with I don't talk to many people, that sort of thing. Ok, you guys if you want to take any of these drug quizes, go to quizilla and do a search for drug, you'll get a lot of quizes. Quirko, I'd be interested in seeing your results on these, I wonder, hmm. Current Mood: amused
|What tyupe of movie am I?
Ok I love to watch them but I never thoughtof myself as one, a horror movie. I guess it's my propensity to like the weird and unusual and my attitude problem and my unwillingness to let things go and to take matter personally. Haha, I dunno, but people, better look out in case I get real horrifying, lol. Quizilla has some weird fucking quizes, I am not sure.
|days and ights mixed up
Everyone always accused me of being a vampire I am beginning to wonder althoug I don't know if i have a fascination with blood though the only time I want blood to flow is when I'm shooting up something, but I do like the vampire lore and it doesn't gross me out or anyting although I often don't know how one can glorify the taking of life by the sucking of blood. I want to read Trainspotting but I don't think my mother would pick it up at the bokstore for me, haha, any other good heroin books anyone can think of. I know it was a movie too but being blind, a book is better. I am looking for more quizes and other silly things to do on the net, gee especialy now that we know what personality disorders I am prone to, lol. Also yes, I' giong to post that link as soon as I fucking figure out how to do it I kow oneof you asked me for that. I wish I could become a paid member, only $5 for 2 months, any of you with a credit card want to help me here? Lol. I wanna meet people from my area and do more criteria on my searches, can't do this as a free member. I think I'm gonna complain oh yeah I just did, lol. Boredom sets in, I want to hear some new music. I got a new file download client as I hate fucking kaza with a passion but the new client well I can find results but guess what I can't figure how to work this soleseek anyone got some ideas for me, that is of the blind folks although I think only one of you reads this. Guess it's time to join a list, damn with such irrelevant topics I dunno. Geez, I need a debit card and money so I can order online although if Ihad money what would be done with it right now is questionable or maybe not. Well, off to see the worldwide web.
Ok, now I did my deepest secret, well, part of it's correct, but not how how I obtain what I want. It said it was,
I beat old ladies for pills.
Well, I wouldn't go that far, people now that isn't fair! I'm an addict but goddammit, old ladies, other addicts maybe I'd beat their ass to get it as they fucked me over so many times.
Ok, another quiz. Which drug should I be hooked on? Well it picked one of theones I like, cocaine. It said I like to talk, create and run. Haha, the first two are right. Lol.
I'm in a quiz mood, from quizzilla, although I don't know how to find more than the most popular. Anyway I did the what swear word am I test, it says I'm fuck, I guess as in fuck you who can't take me for what I am because I'm gonna be what I'm gonna be,motherfuckers! Lol. No I'm not caling you who are my friends that, I'm so bored. Lol. Current Mood: amused
Ok, I took this personality test, I guess I don'thave many disorders, haha. Anyway I couldn't figure outhow to post the results here, so I'm gonna give you the results, and for the nonobvious ones I'll explain if I'm high or very high on that level.
Ok here goes
schizotypal, high Many people believe this represents mild schizophrenia. Characterized by odd forms of thinkingor perceiving. They may seek isolation or believe they have extrasensory powers or that unrelated events somehow relate to them. even if they do not. They engage in eccentric behavior Have difficulty concentrationg for long periods of time and may be overelaborate and hard to follow.
Borderline, very high Characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. Prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often they will take their anger out on themselves causing themselves inury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They see tings in black and white. Often form intense conflict ridden relationships. and they are quick to anger when relationships are not met.
Dependnet, very high. Self explanatory.
Histryonic, high. Need to be the center of attention all the time, tofte interrupting others. They use grandiose language to describe everyday events and seek constant praise. May exaggerate friendships, relationships and even illnesses to get attention. Often manipulative. I disagree with this one at least in the manipulative andoverexaggeration part. I think I mostly represent borderline and dependent more than any, what do those of you who have any clue about me think of this? Current Mood: apathetic